Author: Nada Gordon

Watch this.

My great aunt, Gloria Leonard, erotic actress and feminist freedom fighter extraordinaire.

Obama was in my dream. There were a lot of people staying in a big room somewhere, like a country house, woody, with high ceilings, but I think it was actually “my house.” At one point, everyone was sort of sleeping (think of the scene in the Superdome after Katrina), and Gary and I were on the floor in something like a Japanese futon, and my ass was exposed. I didn’t think this was unusual but Gary kind of let me know it was inappropriate. So in another “scene” I was hanging out with Obama and he said, “let’s find a way you can make some money with that big old computer of yours so you don’t have to work so much.” He was very friendly and avuncular (which is weird considering he’s only two years older than me) and really seemed like he wanted to help me out!

A few facebook groups I belong to, like a little slice of personal history:

Where does the footage of McCain looking sexy on the hospital bed come from? Does he get tired of hearing the story, seeing the images? Did he think, at the time, this will really come in handy later at the RNC?

That funny wrinkle on his mom’s upper lip.

Why do we have to get old? McCain who now looks like such a dour jowly potato was really startlingly fine, back in the day, a little like Warren Beatty, who could play him in a bioipic but is too politically sensible.

“The stars are aligned; change will come.” Clear fatalism. “When you’ve lived in a box, the world becomes clear.”

How people say “cunt” every time they say “country.”

He enters with his arms slightly out to the sides, and waddles, as if he’s wearing a NYPD belt. He doesn’t walk with ease. His voice is rather thin and high.The hooligans chant the country name over and over. He has said thank you a couple dozen times. Slide in back of one of his many houses?

They won’t let him talk.

Wait, whoa, there was just a cut to a guy holding a big sign reading “McCain votes against vets.” What? Did anyone else catch that? Another cut to a guy in black t-shirt reading “2008 Vets against the war” — same guy? People distracted, looking over towards him?

McCain’s mom 96 years old.

I’m bored with this now.

A moment of graciousness to Obama. I hope he means it. Slide of cornfields.

Oh good, another protester. I didn’t see her sign. She appears to be rending her garment. Now another protester! I love it! My heros! “Please don’t be distracted by the ground noise and the static, HEH HEH HEH.” says McCain. He’s not flapped.

I’d like to see a sound wave analysis of McCain’s voice as compared to Obama’s. There’s Bristol in black again, looking like a kitty. Luscious curve of Sarah’s cheekbone, the artichoke of her coiffure, the gleaming veneers of her teeth.

He sounds a little like he’s on barbituates, too. Oh gawd…do I have to keep watching this.

Just noticed he opted to wear a tie almost the same color as his skin. Why would anyone want to do that? He just said Indian instead of Native American.

I can’t watch this anymore. Just can’t. Besides, Gary wants to sleep.

Cut to woman with frosty champagne lipstick taking a photo, her fingernails also frosty. Cindy looks a little frazzled, maybe it’s the icy blue eyes. Her voice wavers, her lips are thin, her voice gets sharp when she mentions the federal government. Is that Barbara Bush they keep cutting to looking so frail in pearls? Cindy’s on drugs, I can see it. Somehow her face looks like it wants to fold in on itself. “Americans are the most generous people in history.” Oh really? Is that why we use, what, 90%? of all the world’s resources? Pocked veteran face. I do like shantung. Four strands of pearls. Pearls, ugh. Downers. I know it’s some kind of downers, or she’s drunk? The eyes look like she’s looking at death. I don’t feel like she’s speaking to me or us. Challengeses, she says. “These are perilous times.” “It’s a good idea to have a woman’s hand on the wheel as well.” Sarah stands up, looking healthy and voluptuous compared to CM. What is that funny little moaning sound. “Pistol-packing hockey mom” translates as Phallo-goddess of revenge?Viet(nasal) NAM she says not NAHM.The little military hats make them look like boyscouts or human roosters. “strap on his weapons” OK, I’m in some weird barbituate haze now watching this. They keep cutting to the token people of color in the audience, occasional Asians, but I have to say…no one looks like me, no big noses or frizzy hair, despite the earlier appearance of that weasel Lieberman. When CM introduced Bridget, who bit her lip and looked as radiant as she did frumpy, she made another one of those moue sounds… wait a minute, who are these exquisite Rwandans? Ernestine, what are you doing? I wonder, why did the sons have to drag Cindy out? She looked like she was going to fall over. What happened in the wings before she entered? What did she knock back? How can she say McC always speaks the truth when he lied to her about his age? Another moue. DON’T THINK ABOUT CINDY IN BED. DON’T EVEN GO THERE. She raaaaaaaadiates neuroses… Barbara Bush [edit: is this McCain’s mother?]claps once very softly and looks around her. Huh?

No, not Chuck Berry. No.

Sign: “Terrorists, Beware of Sarah. Ask Obama.”

Abe Lincoln lookalike.

Celebrate Good Times Come On.

I PUKE on your cowboy hats.

Cut to blonde yawning. No, you’re supposed to clap on the backbeat.

Sarah seems to be burping Trig. A teddy bear is flopping around in the air. What’s happening backstage during the song? New song. Elvis. Elvis would have dated Sarah in a heartbeat.

There are smooth people and there are angular people. Elvis was a smooth person, and he got smoother and smoother with age and fat. Cindy is an angular person. Sarah is a smooth person with an angular demon living in her larynx.

Here’s my facebook blow-by-blow status updates on the RNC:

An old friend sent me a link to this photo. I can’t figure out whether it’s me or not. What do you think? I don’t remember ever painting my face like this…