Dear Happy,

It seems that when I get too close, get too comfortable, or love something, it goes away.  I don’t have friends, I just have people I know.  If I allow them to be friends then something will happen, they will move, they will go away some how, they will die.  It’s that way with every relationship I have, my husband, my children.

I am afraid if I love them too much, relax and let them near me, something will happen.  I can’t be responsible for that.  Maybe that’s why I want to pull away from here, every one is getting too close, it’s just a matter of time when it will all fall apart.

And I will be left, always left behind.  If the trumpet were to sound tomorrow, I would wake up alone in this place, not knowing why.  I think maybe this is my greatest fear, that I can never know the essence of love, because  if I tastes it’s beauty, the fruit will fall rotten from the trees.

Tell me, what is the essence of love? What does it feel like?  What is it like to relax and allow someone to love you, and to love some one back so completely?

If it is possible for any one to attain it, why does it seem to allude me?