Thanks for Nothing: Defining Turkey Head Parts

To All You Virgins, Thanks
For Nothing Shirt. Let those
pesky virgins know how
you really feel with this t-shirt.
According to Cap’n Slappy,
one of lads let out a loud piercing “Aaarrr.”
Slappy’s kind of ugly, but at least his head
stays on! Make a little pilgrim hat
with the black paper or foam. Glue
the head/neck to the Popsicle stick.
Wild turkeys do not have wattles.
Now, do turkeys have lips?
Click here to have those misgivings
erased for good. Cut head off and
freeze as quickly as possible.
Exactly, which part of the turkey’s
head is the “cap,” “snood,” “caruncles,”
and “wattles”? I discovered an old
ventriloquist dummy in the trash
and named it Slappy. Lets call the skin
below the eyes “cheeks.” Freeze heads
in a small amount of water in a Ziploc bag.
Place heads in a trash bag and triple bag
or ship in a disposable water tight container.
A trumpet fanfare will greet ‘The Happiest
Turkey on Earth.’ Perhaps under the big top
he was known as Squiggles or Slappy.
Put in a box and insulate with newspapers.
(It is very important to make sure your
package does not leak as it thaws)
Ship your head Next Day Air UPS.
VELVET ANTLERS. Girl, defining
turkey head parts, gives you a blowjob.
She suck repeatedly until you reach
orgasm. Like a turkey whos on a walk
shackin its head back and forth.
Why the mother fuck is Uncle Slappy
on my side of a debate? The “snood” is
like George said: an adorable turkey head
that is disguised as an Indian for Thanksgiving.
Please enclose a packing list with your heads.
Name, address, phone #, and complete list
of heads and positions. If your heads are sent
fresh and frozen, the quality of your heads
will be noticeably better. I’m in my Turkey
Head and Chimera costumes today (though
I still have misgivings resembling fuzzy,
slappy stuff). ‘Sounds good to me! From
now on, those folds on a turkeys face are
cheeks!’ If we receive your heads brown
and thawed, you are going to lose a lot
of detail and quality, and possibly epidermis
slippage. Sink car flip lead gonna slappy.
Remember to choose in which position
you wish to have your head(s) returned:
strut, flared strut, half strut, running,
running open mouth, standing alert,
walking, fighting, roosting, gobbling,
flying or flying open mouth. Thanks
for nothing, China. Thanks for nothing,
Madame Pelosi. Thanks for nothing, urban
outfitters. Thanks for nothing, congress.
Thanks for nothing, Disney. Thanks for
nothing, Chilean miners. Thanks for nothing,
Paula Abdul. Thanks for nothing, best buy,
Thanks for nothing, Cindy McCain
Draw a turkey head and neck on the
brown paper or foam. This is a drawing
on paper!

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