oh fuck, it’s that feeling again.  at the hair salon this evening I made a list of things I need to do in the apartment to improve and organize it, a very detailed list, of things to keep me changing the energy in here, but you know I got home, and I was tired, and I napped, and when I woke up I was overcome by a kind of forced stillness, as if I were being held down by invisible captors.  I made myself sit in the living room on the couch, but the feeling is much more intense there, because that was his territory.  So I just sat there and stared, not exactly into space, but inside myself at the heavy feeling there.  It doesn’t help that it’s snowy outside and the heaters are blasting oppressively. Such a contrast to the ocean air. Nemo is crying. They follow me from room to room, first one, then the other.  They eye each other.  If one is close to me, the other will keep a little distance.  Sometimes Nemo will displace Dante with a mean glare. It’s too quiet. All the music reminds me of something. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and start on the list of things to do, but today I have to deal with this heaviness. Fuck you, captors! I should move.

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