dreams

Trying now to wean off benzos again, and sleep more or less naturally with just magnesium and 5-htp.  This I have done for two nights.  I wake up twice in the night, it’s true, but manage to coax myself back into sleep.  I tell myself, this bed is so supremely comfortable and safe, and the cats are so sweet.  This morning I even overslept a little, not too much, dreaming that my boss had given me an assignment to oversee and host a visit by the Miami Dolphins to my school. They all for some reason wore deep blue.  Is that their real color?  Why a football team?  The dream took place in some huge old building in the countryside, rather like the buildings in Tess, which I just finished watching in real life last night, except that wherever I was was warmer than England, and warmer than NY is right now.  I kept going into different parts of the building to use the bathroom.  Through offices, to use the bathroom, maybe even to take a shower?  The offices were elegant and filled with rustic antiques.   I had an apartment in one of these buildings.  Just at the time I was supposed to welcome the Dolphins, I was in my apartment… a man had come through the window. (They were beautiful mitred windows looking over a sunny estate.) He was a composite of two men I have been on dates with.  In real life, my experiences with these men have been asymmetrical.  One of them projected on me, felt more for me, than I for him, and our communications ended unpleasantly; with the other (I suppose) I seem to have felt more cathected than he … sigh.  And oddly, too, there are some similarities between these two men, both physically rather small, both intense, both performers, both with connections to Japan, so it interests me that they fused into one in the dream.  The lover’s identity in the dream was similarly ambiguous; he may have even been masked.  We were having sex in the dream, and somehow there was a “video” of the encounter.  I knew that I had to be at the auditorium to welcome the Dolphins, but instead I was having sex with this guy.  The team was not coming for a game but rather for some kind of welcoming ceremony at the school auditorium, or for a theatrical performance perhaps Anyway I ignored my responsibilities.  After my lover left, I showed up at a restaurant where my boss and some of the team officials were sharing a meal.  I’m sure I was flushed.  I wasn’t scolded, but I felt guilty.  I remember trying to explain myself to my boss, and for some reason, she seemed to understand. I anyway enjoyed the wish fulfillment part of the dream and wonder, am I getting my mojo back?

Ah…and the night before last… I dreamed I was in “Bangkok” with some students.  It wasn’t exactly Bangkok.  It seemed more like Hong Kong, but OK.  We went to a restaurant that specialized in noodles.  It took me a long time to decide what to order.  The menu was terrifically complex, with lots of photos, and everything looked good. After we wandered on the streets, going our separate ways.  Shopping.   I ran into one student in an alley of shops.  I remember trying on coats (this is why I think it was not Bangkok, really, not so many coats there):  one was made of a kind of glossy brown fabric with huge puffed-out sleeves, with slit pockets.  Also furs.  I can almost remember the textures and colors and fabrics of these coats, and the fact that some of them were in plastic bags like one gets at the dry cleaners. I suppose this dream is not at all interesting to read.  I apologize for that.  I am interested in how sensuous it was:  the taste of noodles, the feel of the fabrics, the look of the signage of the city…